![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
burstinggirl.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
hetalia2010-06-08 11:13 pm
[Fic] Arthur Kirkland and the Industrial-Strength Vodka
Character(s) or Pairing(s): England, Poland, Sweden, Finland, Sealand, mentions of Austria, Hungary and Russia
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Human names used, parody, moderate swearing
Summary: A Harry Potter/Hetalia parody. Uncle Berwald has taken the entire family to a rock in the sea to escape the mysterious letters, but now Feliks has come to deliver them personally, breaking some unexpected news to Arthur.
Chapter 1: The Boy With the Eyebrows
Chapter 2: The Vanishing Bear-Proof Cage
Chapter 3: The Rather Rude Letters from No One
Chapter 4: The Keeper of the Hairdryer
BOOM. The sound echoed around the small room again. Arthur flinched as the wood on the door splintered slightly.
“What’s that? Who’s there?” Peter was blearily jerked awake and gazed around the room with wide, pale blue eyes.
A large crash rang out behind them and Uncle Berwald charged into the room, fists raised like a boxer (Arthur briefly noted that he looked ridiculous but quickly turned his attention back to the door) followed by Aunt Tino, timidly cowering behind his husband and shaking almost as much as Raivis.
“Who is ‘t?!” Uncle Berwald bellowed, catching his entire family completely by surprise- they’d never heard him talk normally, let alone shout before.
There was a pause, and suddenly a very loud smash boomed louder than thunder and the door was blasted clean off its hinges and onto the floor.
A figure stood in the doorway, silhouetted by the storm that was still raging outside. Arthur would have said it was a teenage girl judging by the skirt and the short blonde bob that topped an admittedly pretty face that was at the moment contorted into a grumpy pout. It was only when the skirt blew up in the strong wind that Arthur noticed a definite bulge and was assured that the trespasser was in fact male.
He stepped daintily into the room, carefully avoiding the splinters that now littered the floor and placed a delicate hand on his hip. He looked at the stunned Oxenstierna family with mild disgust, and said, “Like, oh my God, I totally messed my hair up, like, can you see that wind? I’m gonna have so many split-ends tomorrow, God.”
He sauntered to the sofa that Peter had been sleeping on, made a swift shooing motion to get him to move, and perched on the end, crossing his legs in a way Arthur was sure a normal man wouldn’t be able to do.
“Wow, your eyebrows are still like, so gross.” He observed, looking archly at Arthur, while Arthur looked back and saw a faint mocking smile playing at the strange man’s lips, “I don’t even know who you got them from, your mum was like, average, but your dad was pretty hot.” He continued and Uncle Berwald made an odd gurgling noise.
“G’t out.” He grunted, “G’t out now.”
The other man smirked and raised his eyebrows, “Bitch, please. I could take you down and not even break a nail.” And turned back to Arthur, “Anyway, I totally got you a b-day present! I’m like, some kind of saint.”
He handed Arthur a clumsily wrapped box, and he stared at it in wonder. It was one of the first proper birthday gifts he’d ever received, and he unwrapped it eagerly, feeling only a slight disappointment when he saw it was a set of false nails and a pink miniskirt.
“Um, thanks.” He managed to say, “Who… Who are you again?”
“I’m Feliks Łukasiewicz, duh! I’m kind of a big deal, and I’m totally a VIP at Hogwarts.” He flicked his hair back like he was in a shampoo advert, “You can kiss my hand if you like, want to.”
Arthur politely declined and the skirted man pouted for a second before continuing, “So, have you got any drinks? I’m so in the mood for a cocktail right now, it’s frickin’ cold in here.”
He looked over to the small piles of ashes that Arthur had tried to make a fire out of and flounced over towards it. With his back to the Oxenstiernas, he leant down, mumbled something inaudible, and returned to his seat. A second later a fire sprang up out of nothing and the shack was suddenly full of delicious warmth that brought some life back into Arthur’s numb fingers.
Feliks then began to take out various items from under his skirt, which was almost enough to send Uncle Berwald into another rage if it weren’t for the fact that the entire family was ravenous and a packet of pop tarts had appeared from under Feliks’ mini. He walked over to the fire again and soon the smell of jam and icing lingered in the air, and Peter’s stomach let out a loud grumbling noise. Nobody said a word while he worked, but once he was finished Uncle Berwald mumbled, “Don’t eat th’ food P’ter.”
“OhmyGod did you actually just say that? As if he needs any more food.” Feliks turned to Peter, “You’re like, never too young to try the Atkins, fatty.”
He gave the pop tarts to Arthur who wolfed them down, he was so hungry that he would’ve eaten anything the man handed him, and Uncle Berwald shook with barely concealed anger in the corner. After a minute of painful silence in which Feliks decided it was a good time to file his nails, Arthur finally said, “So, who the bloody hell are you, really? I still don’t understand.”
“Call me Feliks, I seriously just told you. What are you, deaf? I’m a VIP at Hogwarts.” He replied, raising an eyebrow.
“What’s Hogwarts?”
“What. You don’t know?”
“No, sorry.”
“Oh. Em. Gee. Have these losers not told you?! It’s only the best place ever! Didn’t you ever wonder where your ‘rents learnt all their stuff?” Feliks said incredulously and looked at Uncle Berwald and Aunt Tino accusingly.
“Their… stuff?” Arthur was becoming more and more confused by the minute, this all seemed like the most surreal dream he’d ever had.
“Whoa, you don’t know? This is so going on my Twitter, like, as soon as I find my Blackberry again.” He replied and turned back to the Oxenstiernas, “Wow, how could you not tell him, you total dicks?”
“H’ doesn’t need t’ know anyth’ng.” His uncle said unconvincingly and Arthur was amazed by how much power the small, effeminate man had over the towering Uncle Berwald.
“He doesn’t know, like, anything? This is so scandalous!” Feliks seemed delighted.
“I got good marks in my SATs you… you wanker!” Arthur summoned the worst insult he could think of; he was furious that this man accused him of knowing nothing when he’d got the best marks in his entire class (even if Peter had stolen his results and passed them of as his own to his parents).
“Jeez, chill, fuzzy-brows. I meant about my world, your parent’s world.” He waved a dismissive hand and placed the other on his hip.
“What on earth are you on about?” Arthur was getting exasperated and quietly convinced that this man was completely mad.
“Urgh, Berwald, you’re like, the worst dad ever.” He sighed.
Uncle Berwald said something in Swedish and took a shaky step backwards, almost knocking over Aunt Tino who was cowering behind him; they looked pathetic, standing in the dark corner, scared of a small, dainty man in a skirt.
“So you don’t know that you’re famous? Or your mum and dad are famous? This is gonna be such a pain in the ass, oh my God. They didn’t even give you the music Roderich composed for you when you were still kind of cute?”
“Stop.” Uncle Berwald had found his voice, “Don’t tell ‘im anyth’ng.”
“Will you shut up? You’re like, almost as annoying as Paris Hilton, but without the hot clothes.”
“Will someone fucking tell me what’s going on?!” Arthur shouted, now unable to control his language, it was infuriating listening to the adults blatantly discuss things they’d kept hidden from him.
“You’re totally a wizard, okay? I mean, duh.” Feliks said, and a deafening silence descended. The wind pounding against the windows and the distant crash of thunder was all that could be heard for quite some time.
“You’re mad, aren’t you? Completely bonkers.” Arthur whispered, and took a step back. The man was obviously insane, perhaps even more so than Uncle Berwald.
“Nu-uh, I am so serious right now. Seriously.” He said, “You could be a pretty average one if you like, practised loads. Do you want your letter?”
Now Arthur was interested, he’d been waiting a very long time to read this. Feliks pulled out a neat envelope from under his skirt addressed to, “The Child with the Eyebrows, The Shack in the Sea, The Sea” and handed it to him.
Headmaster: Roderich Edelstein
(Order of Beethoven, Conductor, First Class)
Dear Mr Kirkland,
We are pleased to offer you a place at the internationally famous
Yours truly,
Elizaveta Héderváry
Deputy Headmistress
Arthur read it in complete silence, and once he was finished he felt as though his head was about to explode with questions. After a minute of trying to form words and failing, he spluttered, “What do they mean, ‘confirmation by owl’?”
“Oh, Roderich’s gonna be sooo mad! I completely forgot! He’s gonna like, take my ponies away again!” Feliks suddenly exclaimed and- Arthur couldn’t believe his eyes- pulled a live owl out from under his skirt. It looked slightly confused and scared, but Feliks didn’t seem to notice and scrawled a quick note that Arthur managed to read upside-down;
To Roderich!!!
I totally got here and gave the kid his dumb letter, even though the weather is so bad it messed up my hair! You owe me, like, a manicure or something. Taking him shopping tomorrow, it should be fab-u-lous!!! LOL!
Lots of love, FELIKS! xoxo
He quickly rolled up the note, shoved it into the owl’s beak and threw it out of the door, where it was caught by the strong winds and blown away. He then sat back down as if this was a perfectly normal thing to do; Arthur tried his best not to stare but found himself doing so anyway.
“He’s not goin’ t’ that school.” Uncle Berwald found his voice again.
“Please, I’d like to see you stop him, you’re such a Muggle.” Feliks retorted, “A Muggle is like, a non-wizard person. A total loser.” He said to Arthur with a small grin.
“We said he’d n’ver learn any mag’c, ‘nd that’s that.” Uncle Berwald seemed to be getting braver with every word.
“Wait a flipping second here,” Arthur interrupted angrily, “You knew I was a fucking wizard? And you didn’t think that I might perhaps want to know?”
“Well of course we knew!” Aunt Tino spoke for the first time since Feliks had arrived, taking everyone by surprise, “With a sister like mine, how could you not be? I was always the average one in the family, but she was invited to go to that school, the one you’re invited to, and all of a sudden she was so much more special than me. Our parents were so proud of having some kind of overblown magician in the family!”
There was a slightly awkward silence as everyone listened to Aunt Tino, it was obvious that he’d kept this bottled up for years.
“And then she fell in love with that
“You said they were killed while blimp-watching!” Arthur shouted.
“Blimps?! Oh my God, this is like, so funny. How can you not know when seriously, everyone in the world knows except you?” Feliks lounged back on the sofa and laughed to himself.
“Knows what?!” Arthur implored, getting really quite frustrated by this point.
“Roderich probably wants to tell you himself, but y’know, this is way too good to pass up. And it’s not like you can go to Hogwarts not knowing, right? Totally.”
“Will you bloody hurry up.”
“Jeez! What are you, on your period? I don’t even know some of it, nobody does. Anyway, so, like, there was this super bad wizard called-” For the first time, Feliks faltered slightly.
“What’s wrong?” Arthur questioned.
“Well people don’t like to say his name! He was so bad, he was a mega douche to everyone, he was called… Ivan.” He frowned, “And like, ages ago, 20 years I think, he got loads of weird followers, everyone wanted to be his BFF ‘cause he had so much power. Some awesome people were totally against him, but he killed them, and we call him ‘
“So, like, your mum and dad were super-tight with Roderich and total nerds at school, so
Arthur was beginning to remember something, a bright green flash of light and a soft but sinister voice saying, “da?” It unsettled him that everything Feliks was saying rang so true.
“I went and got you from your parent’s crib like, all on my own, Roderich told me to, and I brought you all the way to live with these losers!”
“S’not true.” Uncle Berwald said, and Feliks let out an audible sigh, “There’s somethin’ not right about you, but s’nothing a beatin’ wouldn’ have cured. The Kirkl’nds got what they deserv’d, getting mixed up with w’zards.”
Feliks unexpectedly leapt up from the sofa, pulled a pink hairdryer from under his skirt and brandished it at Uncle Berwald, “I was totally tight with the Kirklands so shut up, you whore!”
In the face of a small skirted man wielding a hairdryer, Uncle Berwald seemed to shrink and sank back into the corner like a scared dog. Arthur, however, was bursting with questions and didn’t know where to begin; he wanted to know everything about his parents, where he came from, Hogwarts and wizards in general. It was as though all the times he’d sat in his lonely cupboard wishing to be transported elsewhere had actually counted for something.
“So what happened to Iva- I mean,
“Well, it’s kinda hard to say ‘cause everyone has different theories, it’s like, some people say he died, but I think that’s total BS. Me and Rodders think that you like, sucked his power out or something? Like, now he’s in hiding ‘cause he hasn’t got any power left, ‘cause he was way too powerful to just die, I mean, jeez.”
Feliks looked at Arthur and Arthur could almost see some genuine emotion building up behind his sarcastic expression, but it all seemed like some horrible mistake. There was no way he could be a wizard, not went he’d spent his entire life as Peter’s punching bag, not when he’d been forced to spend most of his childhood in a cupboard, not when he had wished to be free so many times with no results.
“Erm, Feliks. I’m not… I’m not entirely sure I’m a wizard.” He looked away, embarrassed, “I think you might’ve got the wrong person, I mean, I haven’t really done anything magical.”
Feliks giggled, “So you’re like, telling me nothing weird has ever happened when you’re totally mad at someone or like, super sad?”
Arthur paused for a minute and began to think of all the times he’d been angry or upset, like when embarrassing clothes Peter tried to make him wear shrank, or how he always seemed to find his Shakespeare plays no matter where Uncle Berwald hid them, and the whole Russian bear incident… Had that all been on purpose? It seemed too good to be true.
Feliks was giving him a cocky smile and Arthur began to believe that he was, in fact, a wizard, and felt excitement bubble up in his chest like a spring of water and a smile spread across his face.
“I won’t say I told you so, but I totally told you so. Seriously, if you weren’t a wizard it’d be against the laws of nature, or something; you’re so going to Hogwarts and you can come chill with me, like, whenever, as long as I can be your publicity manager.”
“…Publicity manager?”
“You are so famous, oh my God! You need someone like me to help you out, totes.”
“I already said, he’s n’t goin’. I read th’ letter ‘nd he needs rubbish like spell books, ‘nd a wand-” Uncle Berwald interrupted and Feliks rolled his eyes.
“Puh-lease, as if you could stop him. Hogwarts is the best school there is, duh, after he’s been there for a few years he might like, grow a backbone or something, and he’ll have Roderich too, Roderich is like, totally awesome as long as you don’t talk to him about music ‘cause then he like, won’t shut up.”
“I’m not goin’ t’ pay for some music freak t’ teach him magic tr’ks!” Uncle Berwald shouted, taking everyone by surprise.
This seemed to be the last straw for Feliks, and he grabbed his hairdryer, pointed it at Peter and almost screamed, “Don’t talk shit about Rodders, you total skank!”
There was a flash of blue light and Aunt Tino ducked behind Uncle Berwald, whimpering. A second later Peter let out a cry and clutched his backside in an almost farcical display of pain, and Arthur saw a fish tail protrude from his sailor shorts and flap from side to side. He suppressed a laugh as Aunt Tino burst into tears, picked Peter up and took him to the other room, followed by Uncle Berwald who gave Feliks a filthy look and slammed the door behind himself.
“Ew, how did you even live with them? Seriously.” Feliks went back to his default position of hand-on-hip and began to fiddle with his hair, “But, like, don’t tell anyone at Hogwarts about this, okay? I’m kinda not meant to do magic.”
“Why? You seemed bloody good at it to me.” Arthur replied, feeling nothing but admiration for Feliks since he turned Peter into a bargain-bin merman.
“I was like, expelled, it was totally unfair.”
“Why were you expelled?”
“I’m was just too fabulous for them, God. Anyway we have so much to do tomorrow, we’re going shopping, loser.”
He handed Arthur a purple blanket that seemed to appear out of nowhere (Arthur assumed it was from under his skirt but honestly didn’t want to think about it), “Sleep on that, we’re going to London first thing, the shops around here don’t even stock designer stuff. ”
-----
A/N
There are a few pop culture reference in this chapter, you are awesome if you get them! (If you do get some of them, other than the obvious ones, please comment haha! It'd make my day.)
Rodders = Feliks' pet-name for Roderich, that Roderich absolutely hates.
no subject
YOU MADE MY DAY ♥♥♥♥
no subject
no subject
Taking him shopping tomorrow, it should be fab-u-lous!!! LOL! THIS. That line just made my day.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
This line made me get srs. I don't know why I'm singling it out. I just really liked it:
Feliks looked at Arthur and Arthur could almost see some genuine emotion building up behind his sarcastic expression
This chapter was worth the wait. Now onward to Diagon Alley!
no subject
It's always really random lines that people pick out and say they like, I love it when peeps do that. <3
Thank you so much! I'm so thankful you read this. =¬=
no subject
RODDERS.
OMFG THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY.
[/caps]
Hagliks = best thing evar. I...kinda want to draw him with his skirt and hairdryer of doom.
sweden is a skank pfffft
no subject
If you drew it, it would make me so ubelievably happy ahh! It's a stupid dream of mine to get fanart for my fic haha. xD
God, Berwald has, like, totally had BJs from every guy in Hetalia /shot
"Ew, like, how did you even live with them? Seriously."
I don't have any coloring programs or anything, so colored pencils are the best I can do. And the floor is fail. -___-;; But here you are anyway.
Re: "Ew, like, how did you even live with them? Seriously."
MY
GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
CAN I HAVE YOUR BABIES AND NAME THEM FELIKS
THIS JUST MADE MY DAY, NAY, MY WEEK YOU SEXY BEAST
I'M GONNA PRINT IT OFF AND KEEP IT IN MY HARRY POTTER BOOK TO INSPIRE ME TO KEEP WRITING
THANK YOU SO MUCH OMFG < 333333333333333333333333333333
CAPS LOCK IS FOR COOL KIDS
Re: "Ew, like, how did you even live with them? Seriously."
:D
no subject
I eagerly await the shopping trip!
no subject
no subject
Nope~! Canada isn't Quirrel, he's someone else. ;D Keep guessing~
no subject
no subject
Oh damn i sound retarded xD But great job, can't wait for more! Feliks will just take Arthur to Oxford Street instead of Diagon Alley, amirite?
no subject
Nope, they're going to Diagon Alley, you can't buy wands or owls on Oxford Street (Or at least, you couldn't last time I was there xD).
no subject
whatcha gonna do when he comes for you
at least he won't cry and could probably actually teach
i'm guessing 'cause you thought of Errol and Errol is the sexiest mofo in the whole series