hetalia | [Fanfic] I Want to Take You to a... Straight Bar? (1/2)

Title: I Want to Take You to a... Straight Bar? (1/2)
Author:

jajasisi
Rating: PG-13 for now, next part NC-17
Characters: Denmark/Unnamed Female/Sweden
Summary: Denmark wants to have sex with a woman; Sweden is forced to supervise.
Warnings: This is just an excuse to write porn, guys. Very little redeeming historical value. Shameless enough I'm posting under an RP journal, not my regular.

At a middle class hotel cafe in Copenhagen, Sweden was lingering over breakfast, and Denmark was talking. Denmark was talking, and Sweden wished he would stop, and he wished he had been smart enough to decamp when Finland and Norway had, before he got dragged into something like-

“Do you ever wonder why there are so few girl nations?” Denmark said. “I mean, if you look at it from- what did you say?”

Sweden sunk lower in his chair, hiding his face with a newspaper. “S'd- not goin' t' a bar with you.”

“I didn't say anything about a bar. I didn't say the word bar once. I'm trying to have a philosophical fucking conversation, here, and you just assume I want to go to a bar.” Denmark crossed his arms. “I have depths, man, you don't even know.”

“Know y' f'ne. Y'want to go t' a bar. N't goin'.” Sweden turned a page.

“That's not-”

“Is.”

“I'm not going to-”

“Y'are.”

Denmark threw down his fork. “How do you know?”

“Know y'. Ev'ry time y' start t'lkin' 'bout l'dies y'go t' a bar 'n next day Norway has t' rescue y'.” A fork appeared around the edge of the paper and scouted across his plate until it found some eggs.

“Not... every time.”

“Ev'ry time 'cept wh'n y' go st'nd 'nder 'reland's window n' cry.”

Denmark sighed and flagged a waitress. “I had good times with that woman. Yeah, bring me another coffee. -And more cream,” he added.

Sweden dared to hope that the topic was closed, and starting eating faster. Then Denmark started tapping the table. Sweden's hands clenched. It was a rowing tune.

“Stop th't.”

He tapped faster. “Don't you miss it, Sverige? I mean, sure, Norge gets me, right, but-” Sweden hunched and prayed Denmark wouldn't stand up. “-the hair. You can't tug on a guy's hair like that, just wrap it around your knuckles and pull.”

He would be making gestures now, but Sweden was reading his paper and eating his breakfast, not looking at any insane ex-Vikings.

“And lips. Sure, guys know what to do, but I don't mind a little teachin' sometimes, not when she's lookin' up all shy and her big soft lips are all wet and wrapped around my-”

“Scarin' 'r w'tress.”

“She's not scared.” Denmark took the coffee from the young woman and sent her on with a leer and a flap of his hand. He tapped that little tune faster and faster as he talked, until Sweden's legs and back and arms started to hurt with the memory of oars. “I miss it, man. And tits. Have I mentioned how much I miss tits? I love-”

Sweden slammed his hand down on Denmark's fingers. Denmark smiled.

“Yeah, you miss it, too.”

Sweden took a deep breath. Then another. “Have a family now,” he said, enunciating very clearly, in his very special “talking to idiots and Denmark” voice. “Viking days are over.”

“Stop holding my hand, Sverige, I'm being straight tonight.” He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket. “I'm calling Finland.”

“W'n't agree.”

“You're a whipped little bitch, and yes, he will.”

"G'mme t' ph'ne."

* * *

“The last time he went out alone-” Finland said, and juggled his bags until he could hold the phone with his free hand. “-Didn't you hear this story? No, I mean what happened afterwards. Yeah. Yeah.

“Well, it turns out she was underage. I know, he kept insisting that everyone looks freakishly young these days. Kind of agree, all this fluoride and fresh vegetables all year- Yeah, anyway, no one would have known, except he convinced her to get a Danish flag tattooed on her chest, so her parents were freaking out, right? So she confesses everything.

“And the big idiot starts sending flowers to her house, all addressed to 'my favorite little colony'. That was fun to explain, especially since he gets drunk and starts ranting about Schleswig and Holstein if you give him half the chance.

“Mmm, it got settled out of court. Agreed to pay to have it lasered off, gave them some money, the mother slapped him. Bitch of a time keeping his picture out of some local rags. His Queen was apparently furious, and that was a whole- Yeah. No, I don't mind at all.

“I'm not the insecure one. I'm the fucking Winter War, Berwald. You're not going to leave me. Go keep a leash on Denmark and pick up some eggs on the way home. Love you too.”

Finland closed the cell phone. He turned back to the cashier, who was frozen with a piece of popcorn halfway to his mouth. “I'm pretty sure that was supposed to be mine,” Finland said.

The cashier looked from the paper bag in his hand to Finland. “Low blood sugar?” he tried. Finland raised a brow. “And a free upgrade to a bigger size?”

“That's right.”

[Fanfic] I Want to Take You to a... Straight Bar? (1/2)

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